CG's Slayers Fairytale Theater: Pretty Goldilocks
by Rocky and CG
Summary: My friend, CG's, sweet fairytale that stars Martina in a good light! Really the title should be Pretty Minty Locks. Zangulus/Martina


The Completely Different Couple Slayers Fairy Tale  
  
  
Xellos: I'm going to get a side job.   
  
C.G.: Still?   
  
Xellos: My general job is getting too boring. There's nothing going on and just sit around and sleep all day. I want to be in the movies.   
  
C.G.: …  
  
Xellos: I'll star in a Blockbuster movie and then star in countless sequels causing nothing but agony and chaos!!! ::evil laughter::   
  
C.G.: Can I write the movie? An action and suspense kind of movie!   
  
Xellos: Sure.  
  
C.G.: Do you like movies about mistaken identities?  
  
Xellos: This isn't a "frame-someone" kind of movie, is it?   
  
C.G.: No. It's a "someone-looks-just-like-you-gets-wrongly-accused".  
  
Xellos: Ok.   
  
C.G.: You will be the villain and you go on a killing spree.   
  
Xellos: I like this so far.   
  
C.G.: Your role is too kill people and then your twin brother will play the innocent hero who is mistaken for you and then has to escape and prove his innocence…  
  
Xellos: Oh, I see. Then I'll be playing two roles?   
  
C.G.: No, no. I wouldn't use you for two parts. You can never play an innocent, likable, cutie-pie lead. Besides, it's better to cast two people. This is no "Parent Trap." I need your brother because he's adorable and looks like you… just not as evil when his eyes are open. He looks like he can be your brother.   
  
Xellos: ::sweatdrop:: Are you talking about Eto?   
  
C.G.: He's a better lead anyway. He knows martial arts!  
  
Xellos: ::growls:: How dare you say I look like that goodie-goodie pansy!!!!   
  
C.G.: The eyes, yes, but…  
  
Xellos: STOP!!!!! There is no way…  
  
C.G.: ::shows Xellos her Lodoss magna scans:: No. He looks nothing like you. He would NEVER be mistaken for your brother. Nope. He absolutely, positively looks NOTHING like you…   
  
Xellos: ::growls:: Quiet!   
  
C.G.: He's just a purple-haired cutie-pie priest that can never be mistaken for Xellos the evil purple-haired little imp...  
  
Xellos: GGGGRRRRRR… FOR THE LAST TIME: I AM NOT ETO'S EVIL TWIN BROTHER!!!!!!!!   
  
C.G.: Right… ::rolls eyes:: So anyway, Eto tracks down his evil twin brother…you… and…  
  
Xellos: ::heats:: ENOUGH! ::breathes:: Maybe I'm better off with my general job.   
  
C.G.: You're just like all those other big shots of Hollywood. They can never share the spotlight.   
  
Xellos: Are you actually going to attempt that fairy tale today that you do not own and use characters you do not own?   
  
C.G.: Are you going to try to be funny? ::slowly takes out whip::   
  
Xellos: ::sweatdrop:: YES!!!!  
  
C.G.: I decided to do this one because I pick on Martina too much so this is a nice one.  
  
Xellos: You pick on me too much. Are you going to stop?   
  
C.G.: No. I had to change the beginning of this story a little because it is horrible. Once upon a time there was a princess of the kingdom of Zoana and everyone wanted to marry her. She was very pretty and very rich.   
  
Xellos: ::sniff:: You took two whole pages of writing and made it into two sentences. I'm so proud of you.  
  
C.G.: In the neighboring kingdom of Saillune, there was a very rich and handsome prince who heard about this princess of Zoana.  
  
Alfred: Hmmm… Maybe I should give it a try. Then maybe my parents will stop nagging me. She must be good if so many want her. Then I will be ruler of Zoana and take Saillune down. I must do this before my goodie-two-shoes uncle and cousin get back. Then I will rule the world! ::laughs::   
  
C.G.: His other cousin starts laughing with him.   
  
Alfred: WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!?!?! You know they hide the booze under the stairs of the west hall!   
  
C.G.: So Alfred travels to Zoana to meet the princess. He brings gifts and when he sees her come down stairs, he is blinded by love…XELLOS, STOP LAUGHING!!!!!   
  
Whack  
  
Xellos: Owww… Sorry…   
  
Alfred: Pleased to meet you. I heard so much about you and now I know they're all true. How about we get to know eachother better.   
  
Martina: I am really flattered and think you are a very hunky stud muffin but I am not ready to date let alone marriage.   
  
Alfred: You are the most wonderful woman I ever laid eyes on. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I would kill for you…  
  
Xellos: He just met her two minutes ago.   
  
Martina: Sorry.  
  
Alfred: But why?   
  
Martina: I have other things to do like to try to take over the world!   
  
Xellos: That's Brain's line.   
  
Martina: Isn't that right, Lord Zoamelgustar? Thank you for these gifts but I cannot accept them now.   
  
Alfred: Is that a maybe?   
  
Xellos: Give it up.   
  
C.G.: So the sad and broken-hearted, Prince Alfred goes home and gets drunk with his cousin.   
  
Alfred: ::sob:: What did I do wrong? ::sniff:: How I want her so much more now… she wants to take over the world like I do.   
  
Gracia: ::singsong:: Alfy got rejected… Alfy got dumped…::laughs::   
  
Alfred: Oh, I'll pity myself somewhere else.   
  
C.G.: So he heads out of the castle and decides to walk around the kingdom. He stops when he hears a conversation going on in the middle of the forest.   
  
Vrumrugen: Congrats on your big bounty today.  
  
Zangulus: It was nothing.  
  
Vrumrugen: Are you going to celebrate until dawn?   
  
Zangulus: I'm going to get tanked. ::laughs::   
  
Xellos: WHOOO HOOOO!!!! PARTY!!!!!!   
  
Vrumrugen: I still can't believe you caught that dangerous guy. I heard that people said he was undefeatable.   
  
Zangulus: If I start a job, I will finish it. There is not a single task I cannot do!  
  
Alfred: Oh really?  
  
Vrumrugen: Huh? Don't do that! You came out of nowhere! I almost made a facial expression! Hey, Zangulus! It's the king's grandson!   
  
Alfred: Then I have a task for you. Follow me to the castle.   
  
Zangulus: Errr… Ok.   
  
Vrumrugen: Dang, I wanted to get tanked! See you later then.   
  
Zangulus: ::sweatdrop:: Thanks.   
  
C.G.: Prince Alfred takes Zangulus home for dinner.  
  
Xellos: Alfred is playing a different field now, yes?   
  
C.G.: Quiet, evil twin!   
  
Alfred: I have a job for you and you will be greatly rewarded if you can complete it. I want you to go to Zoana and get the princess to marry me.   
  
Zangulus: Huh?  
  
Gracia: ::laughs:: ALFY CAN'T GET MARRIED!!!!!  
  
Alfred: GRRR… CAN'T YOU GO AWAY AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO?!?!?! I'M DOING BUSINESS RIGHT NOW!!!!   
  
Zangulus: Ok. Different job than I usually get but I can take it.  
  
Alfred: She has rejected all her marriage offers. ::sigh:: And she had many.   
  
Zangulus: I love challenges.   
  
Alfred: I wish you good luck then, you'll need it. By the way, please try to get the task done in about two months. I have to do something before my uncle and cousin get back.   
  
Xellos: Can't get caught trying to take over the world when Uncle Phil is home. Nope.   
  
C.G.: With that, Zangulus sets off for Zoana.   
  
Zangulus: How am I supposed to get a princess to marry him? What did I get myself into… Oof…   
  
C.G.: Zangulus knocks into a huge thing hidden in the tall grass that rolls into the lake.   
  
Zangulus: Ow…   
  
Noonsa: Thank you for saving my life.   
  
Zangulus: What the…? ::sweatdrop::   
  
Xellos: That is the last time I join Vrumrugen in a pot circle.   
  
Noonsa: I fell over and thought I would have dried up for sure.   
  
Xellos: And would be made into a delicious fish sandwich at McDonald's.   
  
Noonsa: I will not forget your kindness. I will repay you one day! ::goes under the water::  
  
Zangulus: ::sweatdrop:: What just happened?   
  
C.G.: As Zangulus travels on, a hawk chases a sparrow in the sky above.   
  
Xellos: The birds poop at his hat so Zangulus kills them both.   
  
C.G.: No… but close. The sparrow drives towards Zangulus and the hawk follows. The sparrow makes a sharp turn around Zangulus' hat and the hawk runs right into it.   
  
Zangulus: My hat! ::growls:: HEY!!! You got it dirty!   
  
C.G.: The sparrow flies away as Zangulus chases the hawk with his sword.   
  
Xellos: Death comes to anyone that messes with his hat.  
  
Zangulus: ^%$#!!!!!!   
  
Sparrow: Thank you, kind sir. I will repay your kindness! ::flies off::  
  
Zangulus: What?   
  
Xellos: Me thinks Zangulus walked into a Disney cartoon.   
  
C.G.: Before the sun rose, Zangulus found himself in a thick wood, where it was too dark to see.   
  
Zangulus: Maybe I can trick her into a bet and when she loses, she has to marry… Oof…  
  
C.G.: He trips over a rope.   
  
Zangulus: Owww…   
  
C.G.: He is suddenly face to face with a giant chicken.   
  
Tiiba: Thank you for helping the Great Tiiba escape from that net. I was on my way through the forest and I didn't notice it. I would have been mistaken for a chicken.  
  
Zangulus: …  
  
Xellos: And he's the Chicken Nuggets on Wendy's 99-Cent Special Value Menu!   
  
Tiiba: What?  
  
Zangulus: You are a chicken.   
  
Tiiba: I am NOT a chi-chi-chicken!!!!   
  
Xellos: Denial.   
  
C.G.: Like you're in denial that you kind of look like Eto.   
  
Xellos: DO NOT!!!!!!   
  
Zangulus: ::sweatdrop:: Whatever.   
  
Tiiba: I will repay you for saving me. ::leaves::  
  
Zangulus: Déjà vu.   
  
C.G.: Finally, Zangulus makes it to the castle. All the maidservants drool and blush and giggle…  
  
Xellos: Emphasis that the main guy is hot: check.   
  
C.G.: Zangulus fell in love at first sight but remembered he had a job to do.   
  
Martina: Thank you for coming but you could talk fifteen days and fifteen nights, you still could not change my mind.   
  
Zangulus: How about sixteen?   
  
Martina: No.   
  
Zangulus: How about if I give you this cute little cabbit?  
  
Paco-Paco: Meow!   
  
Xellos: Zel is sobbing somewhere.   
  
Martina: I don't want any presents.   
  
Zangulus: Isn't there anything that could change your mind?   
  
Martina: A month ago I was walking by the river and my ring slipped off my finger and into the water. My dead mother gave me that ring so I swore that I would not listen to any proposals until my ring is returned to me.   
  
Xellos: Is this a "when hell freezes over" sort of answer?   
  
Zangulus: ::sigh:: Very well…  
  
C.G.: So Zangulus and the cabbit walk to the river where they glumly spend the afternoon.   
  
Zangulus: How the hell am I going to find a little ring in this river? ::sigh::   
  
Paco-Paco: Meow! Meow!   
  
Zangulus: What?   
  
C.G.: Zangulus sees that huge fish jump out of the water.   
  
Noonsa: I overheard you say you were looking for a ring. I will go and find it for you.   
  
Zangulus: ::sweatdrop:: Thanks?   
  
C.G.: So Zangulus waits for a couple of hours until Noonsa returns.   
  
Noonsa: Found it. Told you I would repay you.   
  
Zangulus: Thanks.   
  
Xellos: Now get away from me, you ugly fish.   
  
C.G.: Zangulus returns to the castle where Martina is overjoyed.   
  
Martina: You're wonderful, Master Zangulus!  
  
Zangulus: Now would you please marry Prince Alfred?   
  
Martina: Since you are so kind, Master Zangulus, perhaps you will do another service for me. Just outside of town, there is an evil dragon that comes into the kingdom once in a while and takes all the young men. Before I can marry, that dragon must be stopped.   
  
C.G.: Zangulus is a little dismayed by this.   
  
Zangulus: ::sigh:: Very well…   
  
Martina: Please don't go. I don't want you to be killed, Master Zangulus.   
  
Zangulus: I have to.   
  
C.G.: So Zangulus and the cabbit head towards the dragon's lair.  
  
Zangulus: At least dragons I can kill… What else can go wrong today?  
  
Gourry: Hey, Lina! I just got a burst of testosterone and I want to fight any fool who looks at me. I want this sword to taste blood!  
  
Zangulus: !   
  
Lina: What gotten into you, Gourry? Let's go.   
  
Zangulus: My chance!  
  
Paco-Paco: Meow! Meow!  
  
Zangulus: Five minutes!   
  
Paco-Paco: ::growls:: MEOW!!!!  
  
Zangulus: NOOOOO!!!! ::sobs:: WHY?????   
  
C.G.: He travels on and gets to the dragon's lair. The dragon sense Zangulus and leaves its home. This dragon is different from most because it wears heavy makeup.   
  
Xellos: I knew you wouldn't let him have an easy task.  
  
Zangulus: ::screams:: NOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
C.G.: The doomed Zangulus runs for his life from the dreaded Drag-On.   
  
Zangulus: ::cries:: I don't have enough time to charge up my sword and slay the beast. I'm dead!!!!   
  
C.G.: Suddenly, the Drag-On stops and swings its head.  
  
Zangulus: Huh?  
  
Tiiba: HURRY!!!! The Great Tiiba is stalling the dragon for you. GET HIM NOW!!!!   
  
Xellos: The Dreaded Drag-On vs. the Giant Chicken.   
  
C.G.: So Zangulus charges up his sword and slays the Drag-On.   
  
Tiiba: I told you I would repay you.   
  
Zangulus: How did you get on its head?   
  
Tiiba: Do not ask the Great Tiiba questions.   
  
Zangulus: ::sweatdrop:: Whatever.   
  
C.G.: So, Zangulus and the cabbit set off back to the castle.   
  
Martina: Oh, your greatness is truly nothing less of god-like, Master Zangulus!   
  
Zangulus: Now can you come back with me and marry Prince Alfred?   
  
Martina: But first I need some water from a deep, dark cave. Water from the fountain of health and beauty. But there are many dangers there. The cave is filled of creatures like…  
  
Xellos: Acromantulas and basilisks and lethifolds and manticores and nundus and quintapeds…   
  
C.G.: XELLOS!!!!! Give me my book, you evil twin!!!!   
  
Xellos: To sum up: there's no chance in hell he'll make it through alive.   
  
C.G.: Zangulus is getting pretty pissed off.   
  
Zangulus: Very well… ::sigh:: I'll go.   
  
Martina: But Master Zangulus, you'll be killed! Stay here with me.   
  
Zangulus: I made a promise to Prince Alfred…   
  
Martina: Master Zangulus…!!   
  
C.G.: So the gloomy Zangulus heads off towards his doom.   
  
Paco-Paco: Meow?   
  
Zangulus: Yep… I'm dead.   
  
Xellos: But déjà vu again…  
  
Sparrow: I will get the water for you! Give me your flask!   
  
Zangulus: Ok…   
  
C.G.: Zangulus waits until the sparrow returns with the water.   
  
Sparrow: I got the water!   
  
Zangulus: Thank you!   
  
Sparrow: I knew I would pay you back some day.   
  
C.G.: They go back to the castle… blah…blah…blah…   
  
Zangulus: If she makes me do one more thing, I'm just going to shove her in a sack and drag her to Saillune.  
  
C.G. But luckily, Princess Martina said she would now go with him to Saillune.   
  
Martina: But why? I could have made you king and we could have been happy together.   
  
Zangulus: I made a promise. I cannot break my word.   
  
Xellos: Isn't that cute? ::gags::   
  
C.G.: So they return to Saillune and Prince Alfred could not be happier. Well, maybe he could…   
  
Xellos: ::raises eyebrow:: Oh?   
  
C.G.: You see, Princess Martina could not be happy unless Master Zangulus was near her and she was always singing his praises and Prince Alfred was getting jealous.   
  
Alfred: ::growls:: How can we live happily and take over the world when she talks about nothing except him? I'll fix that.   
  
C.G.: So he locks poor Zangulus and the cabbit up in the dungeon.   
  
Zangulus: What did I do? ::sweatdrop:: At least he let me keep my hat.   
  
C.G.: Princess Martina heard what had happened and begged Prince Alfred to release Zangulus. Alfred refused and nothing the princess could say would change anything. While she was begging him for the trillionth time, his cousin goes into the princess'  
room to search for the secret booze stash. His cousin's beach ball-sized breasts knock over the flask containing the water from the cave. Panicked for the fear of being yelled at, she runs into her room and grabs her flask that looks just like the princess'. But unlike the water of beauty, this flask contained the water of "permanent nap-time".  
  
Xellos: Is "permanent nap-time" equivalent to the DBZ phrase "another dimension"?   
  
C.G.: Soon, Princess Martina stopped begging for the day. Prince Alfred, being a typical fairy tale character, thinks if he drank some of the water, the princess would then love him more than Zangulus because he will be more handsome so he goes to her  
room and grabs the flask. After he drinks it…  
  
Xellos: "Permanent nap-time!"   
  
C.G.: Right. After Alfred was found napping, the princess dashed to the dungeon to free poor Zangulus.   
  
Martina: Master Zangulus! You're free now!   
  
Zangulus: I am?   
  
Martina: We can get married now and take over the world!   
  
Zangulus: Can't we just get married after we dated for a couple of months?  
  
Martina: Oh, all right.   
  
::kiss::  
  
C.G.: And they lived happily ever after.   
  
Xellos: The fairy tale is called "Story of Pretty Goldilocks"? ::laughs::   
  
C.G.: Shut up, podium! 


End file.
